In society the guy is always the bad guy. Being a divorce dad is tough. Even if you were not the cause of your marriage’s break up it always seems to end up being your fault. What’s worse is your kids refuse to see you because mommy said you’re an awful person.

The Bad Egg

There are some women, who in their overly charged emotional status involved the kids in matters that should have been for adults. In divorce kids become weapons and bargaining chips.

What You Should Do

No matter what happens, even if they throw a fit when their spending time with you, don’t give up! Your kids are simply that, kids they cannot analyze yet. Their opinions are based on what adults close to them say. .

Always keep yourself in check. Never show the other parent how angry or hurt you are. A reaction will only jeer them into even more bizarre behavior. Never ever retaliate, that makes you no better than your ex.

Keeping the Law

Keep your lawyer up to date. Follow court orders on financial support, visitation rights and etc. Make sure that the courts continue to recognize your right to be with your children. The only reason your ex wife can give to deprive you of your kids is abuse or threats against the safety of the children. Cooperation and being open to supervised visits will show the court that you are being falsely accused and smeared.

Don’t be hostile when your ex refuses to give the children when it’s your turn, this may be used against you. Continue with the court designated arrangements and when your rights are infringed upon follow legal procedures and file a grievance. Keep a record of your activities incase you will be questioned, should allegations arise.

Involving your children in the problem will greatly affect your relationship with them. Learn to compartmentalize and have fun with the time you spend with the kids. Keep watch of your own behavior. Be careful not to turn into the same ways as your ex wife have.

Alienation usually begins when one of the spouses becomes involved in a serious relationship. When on of the parents begin dating, they tend to begin the relationship on the basis of being a divorced person. There is the tendency of one thing to assert independence from the ex half and a civil relationship then turns hostile. Always keep your attorney on speed dial in case problems should arise.

Therapy Sessions

Just because you are divorced does not mean your not a family anymore. Petition the courts to order your ex to go to family therapy with you. During the program, be open, never show signs of irritation. A tension free environment always achieves more positive results. If extended family members are involved bring them to family court. If the boyfriend is one of the problem contributors make him come to the therapy session too. After all he has to recognize the scopes of his limitations.

Being a divorced dad is no easy task, but your priority should perpetually be your children. Their future and well being depends on you being able to pull through for them. Someday when they have grown older and understand more they will thank you for fighting for them

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There never should be a declaration of war between exes. The do not get the brunt of the lost battle; the children do. Enmity between two divorced couples starts at the break up of the marriage and ends up with the destruction of either parent in the child’s eyes.

Alienation Defined

To fully understand what alienation means, let us try do define it as experts do. Alienation is a phenomenon becomes severely loyal to the parent and seeks to delineate the other. These events usually happen in extremely volatile divorces. In intense cases the child will refuse to see, talk or to have anything to do with the alienated parent. There arises a rooted anger with no apparent reason. The child then will actively help the other parent to hurt, demean and be little the other party.

It is critical that you report any such aforementioned events to an unbiased person such as a social worker. They have professional experience and can provide intervention if they deem it necessary.

The Inner Running of A Child’s Mind

No matter how you put it, a child is often sympathetic with the mother. If the child is allowed to see the mother shed tears then the mom will harvest pity and thereby first implant the unintentional seed of alienation.

The tendency to become alienated depends on your child’s personality. However, a kid is still a kid. There glasses are still half full. They can fully rationalize events. Particularly those that appear confusing and hurting to them. The reason for the alienation comes from within the family system itself prior to the divorce. Factors such as sibling system, the extended family’s attitude, both parents towards each other and towards the kid all have an impact on the upcoming incidents after divorce.

Recognizing The Danger

If your wife gets primary custody you have to be on the look out should your ex alienate your kid or kids against you. If you notice your child’s sudden unreasonable anger or hatred then there could be something there. Children have the tendency to reflect the animosity the alienating parent projects. If your kid refuses or makes excuses not to visit then you have to put this in a s a symptom. Sheer hatred and utter destruction is the target of a severely alienated child, other signs will immediately be noticeable. If so take action as soon as possible.

Can Someone Help?

Although alienators, and their kids do not have the fear of repercussion from a legal sense, family court can help you. The first thing you have to do is to observe the child’s behavior and pinpoint the problem attitude. Intervene as early as possible. Beware of the other party’s attorney.

Do not allow delayed tactics to be used against you. Request the courts that the alienating parent be ordered into therapy even before the settlement of the visitation or custody rights. Request that the court be stringent by making a Guardian Ad Litem check whether your ex wife complies with the court order. Lastly, if the child is severely abhorrent to you as his or her father then ask that the kid be placed in therapy also.

As a divorced dad it is essential that you prevent alienation, and try to avoid doing so. It not only benefits the children but both the ex couple as well.

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Some people think that when it comes to relationships women has it harder than men. Men and women are a lot alike when it comes to feeling pain and inflicting it, except that most men do not show and tell the world how they feel.

Does It Hurt?

It is a common misconception that men don’t get hurt when their marriages break up. Society has a set of opinion that stereotypes divorced men as womanizers, infidels, dead beat dads, and irresponsible. However, not all these conceptions are true.  Though some divorced dads prove otherwise, some others get hurt during the process.  They feel that they have to struggle to keep their family intact, thinking of child support and also has to bear the fact of seeing their children once or twice a month if they lose child custody to the mother.  When the question “does it hurt?” arises, these fathers do think so.  It is actually hard to cope up from a messy divorce not only for the kids but from their dads as well.

Losing interest with the kids

There is also this myth that came around telling that divorced dads do not care or lose some interest about the children they have.  This is not true at all.  Fathers always care for their children, some may not show it through affection and some may do, but saying that losing interest with them are proven to be false.

Men are the ones initiating a divorce

Another misconception.  People tend to stereotype divorced dads as the ones who have initiated the divorce.  Other people may think that men are the ones abandoning their families, leaving their wives for another woman, leaving all their responsibilities behind, etc.  People usually think that towards divorced dads, when they should think that women are also capable and sometimes liable for all things that has been said here.  There are some dads out there striving and working to provide for their family and regrettably are being cheated on by their wives once their backs are turned away.  Not only women feel pain when on the road to divorce, men too feel pain and all these turmoil once the divorce is final.

Another difficult part of the dad when going through a tough divorce is sharing their assets with their wives who sometimes are the ones responsible for the divorce.  Some wives may clean out their husband’s wallets, and even asking for child support in the process, and some may even have a social worker with them while visiting their kids.  These are just some of the turmoil being brought by divorce to these men.

Being a divorced dad means you have to work double time to compensate for your child support and to keep their minds off it.  Some take months or even years just cope up with the new situation they are in.  There are some who even cut off their social lives because of fear of going through all these process once again.  Some men who are weak tend to become drunks or some may lose interest in their lives.

Being a divorced dad does not necessarily mean life has ended, for some, it means to get up, dust one’s self off and start a whole new perspective in life.

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Freedom! That’s what you’re probably thinking your first night out with your single friends. Then reality hits. It’s been ages since you’ve dated, you don’t know what to do, and you feel awkward.

Step One

It is important to recognize that you are ready before beginning to date again. Certain opinions and preconceptions on your part may come out during conversations, and nothing drives a girl away more than a killjoy cynical man.

Stay Away From Clubs!!!

If you want to meet someone to establish a relationship clubs, aren’t a very good idea. Aside from the fact that it’s difficult to talk due to loud music, girls who go to clubs are on the prowl. They are playing “the be what the other wants you to be game”; it’s hard enough that you’ve got issues to deal on your own. don’t make it harder on yourself by adding more.

The Best Bet

The best and safest way of meeting someone is through friends. Friends can set you up with people who they think might have something in common with you, and who you might like in return. Get your friends to set up a group date, that way you won’t feel obligated to date her in case you don’t have anything in common.

Another suggestion is that you could be more active participating in your community and do volunteer work. When you present yourself to help the community, you tend to lean towards programs that are of the utmost interest or are similar to your hobbies. There you will meet people who are probably at the same wavelength as you are. The amazing thing about this idea is that no matter what happens, you take away fun and happiness with the experience of camaraderie, meeting someone is just a bonus.

New Age

The information superhighway is inundated with numerous websites for internet dating. Some of these sites are quite dependable. Surely you can find somebody who has a lot in common with you in the millions of members internet dating companies have.

Internet dating is a good prospect because it eliminates the hassles of having to go out of your house before finding someone. However you have to beware. If an internet dating company does not have stringent rules people who sign up might be fraudsters. Others also misrepresent themselves. That is the downside of the internet, because anyone can pretend to be somebody else. They can upload photos of another person to make them look more attractive.

Be wary of dating a co worker. Many a lawsuits filed stems from office romance. You have to be careful or you can end up being labeled a womanizer and a harasser,

Be upbeat and have fun in your approach to dating. Do not put too much pressure on yourself. Dwelling on your ex and what she thinks will only make easing into the dating scene will only make in more difficult for yourself. If your biggest concern is your kids, explain to them how you are not replacing their mother. They will also not lose you just because you found someone to be with. Instead of losing you they are actually gaining a friend. It is imperative that your new friend should accept the idea that you have children and your children realize that you need someone to be fulfilled.

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Holidays are difficult not only for the children but for the parents as well. It is even more difficult for the father. In the advent of the divorce it is usually the dad who leaves the home and getting back in there is not only awkward but a little hard; it’s not your territory anymore.

Divide and Conquer

Discuss with your ex wife scheduling. Include the children and ask for their opinion on the matter, plan activities that you can all spend in a neutral territory. Try not to overcompensate by giving your children an over abundance of gifts. Gifts won’t make the situation easier. What’s more it will only spoil your children.

Make it easier for the kids by going shopping together. Help them pick gifts for their mom and the new step dad. Shopping is usually girls bonding time, by doing this your children will see that you are really making an effort to be with them.

Quality Time

Even the most trivial things make for fun activities. Involve the kids on stuff like writing greeting cards, licking the envelope close and sticking on the stamp will make them feel like you need them. Gift wrapping also makes for a great activity.

If you live somewhere that has snow use this as an opportunity to have a great time. Play around. Snow ball fights, toboggan, skiing, snowboarding or building a snowman could be a nice bonding time.

Another way to spend some quality time with the children during the holidays is by filling the house with decorations.  Find the perfect Christmas tree for the house, it is also recommended that you bring them along and let them choose the tree themselves, decorating the Christmas tree with the kids is a fun experience for divorced dads.  This can also help you connect with the children after going through all the mishaps that divorce brings.

Showing them that you care

During the holidays, giving the kids gifts is a way to show kids that you love them, but writing them Christmas cards is a way of showing them how much you love them and letting them know that despite it did not work out with you and their mom, you are showing them that your relationship with them will always be the same.  Writing them cards for them to read on Christmas day is way better than giving material things.  It is showing them what you feel deep inside and letting them know that they are always in your heart.

Day out with the kids

Holidays can be very lonely for divorced dads, which is why it is nice to plan a day out with the kids.  You can plan a road trip with them, visiting their grandparents.  Being on the road with your children is also a nice way to bond with them once again.  Ask them to plan the trip with you can excite the kids, ask them where they want to go to spend their day with their father.

Bring along your cameras to document the special day you have with them for all of you to cherish.  When the kids are all grown up, they can look back on these pictures and videos of you with them, by this time they understand that despite their parents are divorced, they still have a father in you.

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The Naive Alienator

Most divorced dads experience instances when they are Naive alienators. These divorced dads do mean well and they identify the children’s importance on having a good healthy relationship with them. They hardly ever come back to the court concerning problems with visitation or any other issues relating to the kids. The courts persuade the relationship of the kids and the divorced dad to be intact.

Both parents that communicate to each other is good usually, even though sometimes they do have arguments like they did before all the divorce proceedings took place. Arguing in front of the kids is a big no- no, it is better to leave the children out of it. For the most part, they can work out their differences without bringing the children into it.

Children do not like to hear their parents fighting and arguing, divorced parents or not.  These kids may feel hurt if they see or hear their dad or mom argue over things. Sometimes, the kids tend to cope up with their parents arguing and fighting either by talking to one of them, be it the dad or mom; sometimes they ignore both parents and let the issue heal in time. By hearing and seeing what the parents are fighting about does not really affect the children of the naïve alienator.

The Active Alienator

Divorced dads that come back to the court to settle problems with their visitation rights are active alienators. These dads mean well and trust that the kids should gain a healthy relationship with their mother. Frustration is the common problem that they have, controlling the hurt they feel and the bitterness of what has happened.

There are instances that something might trigger the hurt that they feel inside, active alienators would strike or freak out in one way or another to cause alienation against the ex-wife. After calming down, the dad usually feels bad or he feels guilty about what he did and would refrain from their alienating strategy.

Hesitating between recklessly alienating and then after, fixing the damage with the kids is one of the well-known actions of the active alienator. They really do mean well, however, they will lose their cool because of the amount of force of their feelings inside overpowers them.

They do have the aptitude to obey and respect the authority of the trial courts and they do obey the court’s decision. Sometimes though, they tend to clash with the mother.  They sometimes act this way in order to strike at the mother for some injustice. They are also willing to seek professional help when they have problems that do not seem to go away.

They are usually openly worried about the kids’ adjustment to having parents that are divorced.  The divorced dad is thinking on how the children would adjust to two environments instead of just one.  These people still hope for a fast recuperation from all the pain and hurt that the divorce has brought.

The Obsessed Alienator

The obsessed alienator has a cause: to win over the children’s sympathy in order for the divorced dad, along with the kids to demolish the kids’ relationship with their mother. In order for this to work, the obsessed alienator entangles the kids’ characteristics and faith into their own. This is a very long process; it may take a long time, usually after the divorce is final.  This is because the divorced dad is angry or frustrated with the ex-wife and feels betrayed and wants to get back at her.

A Reminder

Recognize that those mentioned above are a reality. As a divorced dad, you not only have to protect your relationship with your kid but you have to safe guard you child’s emotional, mental and physical well being as well.

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Divorced dads sometimes dread the act of visitation because of the abrupt time that they spend with their children.  These times are very limited, and for a father, even a whole day is not enough to spend with your own kid.  This is different than living in one house and having all the time in the world playing or talking to one’s children, a lot different than a divorced dad, it is much like calling your dentist for an appointment.  This may not be easy for other dads out there, so here are some tips on how to ease the tension when visiting.

Take it one step at a time

Do not rush to your kids all at once.  Things may be awkward at first, but eventually all these awkwardness fades away.  Just give yourself time to gel with the kids.  Patience plays a big factor with this one.

Plan your day

What you can do is plan ahead of time before your visit.  Consider this as your weekend with the kids.  You can take them hiking or camping, or any outdoor events that \all of you could enjoy.  Teach your kids to fish or go birdwatching.  Remember, this is your time to bond with them.

Be spontaneous

Some kids may have planned their day with their dad ahead also, so one should be spontaneous.  Letting the kids manage your time together is another way to ease the tension that surrounds the father as well as the children.  This way, you could get to know the likes and dislikes of the children.

As a father, you can invite your kids over your house for the weekend.  Note that you should let them feel at home, be sensitive in knowing that they may feel a little awkward because of the different surroundings or house rules compared to where they are living.  The last thing on your mind is to give them a new set of rules all at once.  Just focus on the children’s needs when they are with you.

There also comes a time when kids come to an age where they resist seeing you on visitation day or they do not like the woman you are with, just ease up and let time take its toll.  It may not be an easy task but this is part of the process.  Letting them know that you understand and that you are always there for them and how much love them would instill in their minds, time heals all wounds, and in time as they grow they will understand the circumstances.

Being a divorced dad does not mean you are not a father anymore. You may not be a husband anymore, but you are still a father.   Just let the children know that it may have not worked out with you and their mother, but your relationship with them is still the same and would never change.  Let them understand that you have nothing but unconditional love for them.  Let the children know that no matter what, you are still their father and that you are always there when they need you, to support them in their endeavors.  Though you may live far apart, let them know that your love is unconditional and that they always have you to confide to.

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